The Sleep I Deserve

Reclaiming rest as a radical act of worthiness and reparenting my younger self

Recently, I’ve been reflecting on my relationship with sleep.
Or more accurately — in these past few months, my disconnection from it.

In my high school years, I’d stay up late after everyone was asleep because it was the only quiet time I could get. My parents owned a car alarm company near a busy highway, and we slept on the top floor of the office building. Sleep felt like something I had to forfeit in order to prove my worth.

When I was living in Thailand as a freshman, something happened at an after-school party. And from that point on, I was labeled “the school slut.” My love for dancing at nightclubs earned me the title of “Party Animal” in my sophomore year. I tried desperately to revamp my image, focusing on academics, student council… and eventually, I found my joy again in dance: this time as the school mascot.

RIS Phoenix circa 1998

For the last two years of high school, I signed up for the International Baccalaureate Diploma — a rigorous program that required three higher-level concentrations, an extended research essay, Theory of Knowledge (philosophy), and community service.

Visual Arts was one of my chosen concentrations. We had to create 30 pieces for our final portfolio and showcase them in an exhibition by senior year. I remember staying late in the art room, taking drugs to stay awake. Thinking I’d be more productive — but instead, my perfectionism took over. I felt like my work was never enough… which, if I’m honest, just mirrored the deeper belief that I wasn’t enough.

Compounded childhood trauma… it be like that sometimes.

I’d work on a piece over and over until it felt “just right.”

This piece took me over 20 hours, partially on drugs.

One night, I was so hyper-focused that I stayed until dawn. The janitor walked in and looked at me, bewildered: “What are you still doing here?”

Looking back now, I honestly don’t know what drugs I took, but I’m sure it did a number on my developing adolescent brain. Whatever it was, it kept me awake… and trapped in a vicious cycle of trying to do more, seeking approval, and never feeling enough.

Fast forward to my 40s, and I’m still untangling guilt around sleep, productivity, and my sense of self-worth.

My drug of choice now? Caffeine — and sometimes a mini-dose of synthetic thyroid hormone for that extra boost.

Lack of sleep is what led me to burn out in early 2023. I would push myself to stay up late, wake up early — getting only 4.5 hours of sleep, if that. I chased the edge of hustle culture, compromising my immune system, and abandoning myself… until my body gave out and left me with no choice but to rest.

I was in bed for days on end.

I know I don’t want to do that again.

And yet, I find myself in a similar loop:

4:30 AM – Wake up early, lay there for an hour or so with a thousand tabs open in my mind
5:30 AM – Meditation, neurofeedback, a couple shots of espresso… a scroll through social media, or sometimes I’m processing emotions
7:00 AM – My daughter wakes up for school. I usually get up and make her breakfast
8:00 AM – Her dad takes her to school. Then… boom. Shame, guilt, and unworthiness hit

Before I know it, hours have passed.
Sometimes, I feel sleepy again and take a nap before seeing clients — only to wake up with a heavy cloud of shame.

Shame for not being productive enough.
Shame for falling behind on tasks.
Shame for still being tired.

I’ve noticed how lack of sleep is affecting:

🧠 My memory – fuzzy, forgetful moments in conversation
📉 My productivity – scattered focus, slow starts
💡 My performance – dulled intuition, low energy, overwhelm

I simply haven’t been sleeping enough. Not deeply. Not restoratively. Not regularly.

And at the root of it all?

Deep inside, I’m still trying to prove my worth.
I feel like I have to earn rest.
Like sleep is some reward I deserve once I’d done “enough.”
That’s the biggest fallacy of all.

What I’ve realized is that sleep… like love, like breath, like belonging… is not something you earn.
It’s something you honor.

It all comes down to improving my routines and filling up on self-worth.
I’m actively now choosing to make space for stillness and rest in a world that rewards hustle and grind.
And know I don’t have to be perfect, accomplished, or ahead in order to lay down and receive.

Here’s what I’m shifting now:
🛏 Reclaiming my bed — no more old mattress in the office
💼 Building my business in a way that allows me to scale with sustainability
🏡 Finding a new home where I feel deeply held, safe, and supported
💧 Drinking a gallon of water during the day so I’m not waking up every few hours
📱 Tracking the quality of my sleep on my Fitbit for patterns and progress
🌙 And most importantly: letting myself sleep because I deserve to be well

I’m done abandoning myself and my health in the name of productivity.
I’m no longer proving my worth through burnout.
I’m done believing the lie that I have to suffer to succeed.

I’m going back in time and loving my younger high school self to let her know she is worthy, she is deserving, and she is accepted for exactly who she is.

Song Atthajaroon - 1998

This next chapter is about being my unapologetically authentic self — rested, rooted, and radiant.

And getting the motherf*cking sleep I deserve.

Adding my other works of art from that time.